Tag Archives: #humour

Terrible Nursery Rhymes

Terrible Nursery Rhymes

Bought the Farm

Sadie rushed out to the barn,
A whip with her cowgirl charm,
The animals arranged,
An ending deranged,
Now Sadie’s done bought the farm.

Fad Diet

Fat Larry began a fad diet,
With an eye for sweet apple pies,
He followed the plan to the letter,
And promptly when up one size.
Undeterred he continued to eat,
For the losses he’d soon realize,
Until a peek in the mirror did show,
The pie had gone straight to his thighs.

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What the Heart Wants

What the Heart Wants

I remember the first time we met. It was the first day of 11th grade, Mr. Grady’s second period Math class if memory serves. My family had relocated from the west coast over the summer to accommodate my Dad’s big promotion. I despised my new home but it got better once school started, in part because of Darlene. She walked right up on the very first day and introduced herself to the new kid in town. Before long I was just another guy in our circle of friends. One of the gang. Hell, Matt and Chad are my blood brothers to this very day.

I know Darlene crushed on me for a few years before giving up the ghost. She never did come out and say it but I knew she was interested. We never dated unless you count me taking her to the high school prom. She’d broken it off with the douchebag varsity quarterback and didn’t want to go alone. Knowing I was going solo, we struck up a deal to make a grand entrance and light the night on fire. She deserved a proper prom, so we went all out on a gown (already purchased for the d-bag), a tux, a limo, the whole nine yards. It was high school romantic as fuck. I think she even tried to kiss me during Stairway to Heaven, but my eyes were fixed elsewhere.

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What If?

What if I just said “Hi?”

Do you think she’d notice,
Maybe say Hi back,
Or will she ignore me,
Pretend she heard jack?

I could buy her a coffee,
See if she’ll stay,
Or take the drink gracefully,
And be on her way…

What if I smiled,
And shot her a glance,
Maybe some sweet talk,
Will get in her pants?!?

Wait, it wasn’t supposed,
To be like this,
She and her friend,
Just blew me a kiss!

I’m sitting her flustered,
Caught in a stare,
Should I just walk over,
and talk to the pair?

Instead I just pack up,
Head straight for the door,
Trip on my left feet and,
Fall flat on the floor…

“Are you ok?”
I heard someone say,
As I picked up my ego,
And just ran away!

Sitting in my car,
As if I could die,
What a novel idea
Maybe next time I’ll try…

What if I just said “Hi?”

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Better Off Dead

My head’s been set on fire,
My weary bones do ache,
I’m sizzlin’ hot to touch,
Still, I shiver and I shake.
With a scratch in my throat and,
A faucet for a nose,
That gets redder and more raw,
Every time it has to blows.

I’ve got blotches on my torso,
Itchy, scratchy and the such,
My palatine uvula is so swollen,
It’s becoming a little much.
I’ve burst blood vessels in my eye,
From coughing up a lung,
Don’t get me started on the back end,
Just get me a bloody bung.

My insides twisted up in knots,
Cramps eating at my gut,
Pressure building deep within,
Gases exploding from my butt.
I kneel before the Ivory throne,
Paying respect to the porcelain King,
I’ve eaten nothing in three days,
Still, I’m going to fill the thing.

I bolt awake at 2 a.m.,
Sweat streaming from my pores,
I’ve been lying here so bloody long,
I’m developing bedsores.
Not Tylenol or Advil or a combo of the two
Can soothe this pounding head,
Don’t know how much more I can take
I think I’d be better off dead!

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